July 29th, 2009
|07:36 pm - Monday and Wednesday|
I had an amazing conversation with Mistress, on my ride home last night. I was bored and stuck in traffic, and decided to call her. We ended up discussing something from my journaling, about how I feel at a loss as to what the next step in my life should be. As we talked I started to feel much better, for some reason. It took me awhile to figure out that I must have had some anxiety about what I'd be allowed to do now that school is done. Although grad school was something of my choosing, it was never something I really even wanted to do. And I'd been feeling the urge to "break free", even though I wasn't even sure what that would mean to me or what it would look like.
I felt much more calm after talking with Mistress, where I learned that it wasn't even being allowed to do things that I wanted now, things that interested in me...that Mistress was really supportive of me literally trying anything I want. (Well, aside from going for a doctorate...HA, no problem there!)
It just felt so...calming. I can have it all, I guess is how I'm feeling. Good.
So what a week so far. Today is Wednesday, and it already feels like a very different week than the one I started on Monday.
Yesterday I got to travel for work up to PA. LONG DAY. And I was stressed until I got back into town, because I didn't want to miss scuba. There are only 5 classes, we are already slightly behind. Made it back in enough time to scarf down some food and head out to scuba.
Scuba last night was fun. For many reasons. One, we changed partners and I was paired up with Hayden, this awesome gay kinky boy. We had SO MUCH fun together.
And I also really started grooving on the scuba instructor. I'm not sure what exactly about him really got my attention, but I like him. And I started to get that slight-butterfly-in-the-tummy feeling that was telling me that I was *really* starting to LIKE him. Hmm. Well, thankfully I've been really outgoing so far in the class, so interacting with him a lot wasn't outside of the norm. I didn't really try flirting (since I flirt a bit anyway by nature, and anytime I actually TRY and flirt I just end up acting stupid). And...how do I flirt with vanilla people anyways? The lines are much more blurry and undefined. Anyways, do you know how hard it is to flirt wearing full scuba gear, while you are underwater? Right. Skip that.
After class, our 2 instructors were going out for a drink after, and my awesome scuba partner Hayden was going as well. I've definitely feeling the pull to be more social and have more social interactions...and this is going to sound really woo-woo, but I really just felt like I *needed* go to out and have some down time with these people. It wasn't like an over driving, forceful need of a feeling; more like a gentle, consistent tug. This was my internal monologe.
"No, it's too late, I shouldn't go out."
"Dummy, you are working from home tomorrow. You have the time to spare. Do it!"
"No! I have to get home and...go to bed. And see my cats."
"What? They are going to be there. What are you scared of? It's just hanging out for a bit. Do it! You NEED to get over this hermit thing going on, and be social again. So do it dammit!"
"But...but I need to...what if something...wait, what am I scared about? This is stupid. I'm going."
So I went. And I had a BLAST. Seriously so glad I went. My instructors are two very funny, sarcastic and witty people that I jive well with. And I swear, Hayden feels like a lifestyle brother to me already, and THAT was very reaffirming in some way I can't quite name right now. But we played darts (which I really suck at playing), and I nursed one beer (blue moon, I forgot how good it was) over several hours. Eventually Hayden and Dan (other instructor) bailed, so Ryan and I stayed and kept playing. We'd started really chatting before, but once they left we totally fell into a very relaxed, comfortable get-to-know-you conversation. For over an hour. Really good eye contact, body language, verbal cues. I didn't want to evening to end. We actually got kicked out because they were closing (holy crap, how did the time fly by so fast?) and kept talking in the parking lot. I surely wasn't going to be the one to end the convo, but we eventually both agreed that we should head home and get some rest. And then he asked to see me again. Well, more specifically, he paused...and then asked what I was doing Saturday. !! I think I just got asked out. Holy crap, it's been a long time since that happened. Well obviously Saturday wasn't going to work for me, as Mistress would be here. But we made plans to get together Sunday evening. (Of course I'll make sure it doesn't interfere with Mistress's time here, but I'm pretty sure she was planning to be gone by this point.) Of course I was smiling like an idiot on the ride home.
I'm not sure where this will go. But today I'm totally enjoying those I-like-someone butterflies that I tend to get. And I'm really looking forward to class tomorrow, and hanging out on Sunday.
I'm glad the conversation between us has been so easy and comfortable. I mean, it's not like I can talk lifestyle stuff to him! (Haven't established if he is kinky or not, but initial indications aren't saying he is.) I'm really curious to learn more about him and hear his story. He has a different perspective on life (very intelligent, but never went to college, doing a somewhat blue collar job) and I'm finding that we have a lot of perspectives in common, even given our different backgrounds. His background is familiar to me though, it mirrors a lot of my immediate and extended family. If anything, I kinda feel like the oddball with all the schooling I've done. A somewhat weird feeling, but not bad.
I've missed feeling excited like this. I hope this takes off! (And he can handle me having a kink side that needs to be fed.)
June 23rd, 2009
|06:30 pm - Starting again|
It's been a long time since I've written here. Mistress has decided it is time to start journaling again, so here we go.
Well camp was this past weekend, and it was an overall enjoyable weekend. We all worked hard on Friday and Saturday to set up, and then camp! An interesting mix of campers this year. Some big egos and interesting conversation, at times I was rather happy to have other things to tend to. This year was different though. Previous years I was always busy running and doing things, and there was a lot more interaction with my slave brother and Mistress. This year though, I felt like I was a puppy dog just following Mistress around the yard, without much direction on where I could help out or what needed done. I got to the point where I felt like I was just pestering her, and ignoring everyone else, and wasnt getting any attention from her so I stopped trailing after her. She has always given me direction before when things come up, so I figured that if something needed done then she would tell me. When she verbalized to me on Sunday that she felt like I just disappeared during camp, it frustrated me. Should I have just trailed after her all night? Stood in a corner, waiting for something to happen that needed my assistance? I can see her wanting me around to do things as needed, but if she is all over the place, where should I be? I don't feel that socializing with the guests would have prevented me from doing a requested task.
Mistress also asked me how I would feel if she told my slave brother and me to do all the tasks, while she was not helping and nowhere to be seen. I'm not sure if my response surprised her, but it took me a few minutes to think about before I answered. I told her that if I lived with her, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But since I don't, it would really bother me. I like helping out, and I definitely know that camp weekend is a weekend of work. But I go see her for the interaction time. If I lived with her, the amount of time I spent working compared to the amount of time (day to day) I would see her would be very small in comparison. But when all I have are weekends, and not consecutive ones at that, then the proportion of time that would be spent alone vs with her would be drastically increased. And that would, quite frankly, just piss me off. She would be well within her right to ask or request that scenario, and I would do what she asked. But as she put it, it wouldn't be pretty. Or rather, I wouldn't be happy. I'm a very social creature, and need the social interaction with her to maintain my relationship happiness.
I'm going to stop there, and ponder that for a bit. More tomorrow.
June 5th, 2008
I...seem to have totally forgotten to post here for the last 10 weeks. I'm not really sure what happened. Life, I guess.
Whats been new...well I'm losing weight (down 26 or so lbs) and thats going pretty well. And I have a new name! After requesting a second time, Mistress has given me a new name. lyoncita. cita, for short. I love it. She had asked me as SPLF to come up with some names. I tried...but really I had no idea. I mean I literally could not think of one. Maybe this name? thesarei...no. Uhhhh...pingu? ...no. any name that came to mind was too dumb, too boring, too retarded...it wasn't me. I think that was a large part of why it was so important to me that SHE choose...she knows me. for the life of me i couldnt find any name that even seemed to fit or be remotely close to "right". whatever right was. i didnt know.
anyways...I have a new name. that i'm slowly getting used to. :)
been having a lot of sexual thoughts recently. but...im not quite ready to delve into that right now. maybe tomorrow.
March 24th, 2008
|07:11 pm - sex and guilt|
Well I got into my own head today. I was thinking about me, about Mistress, and about submission (general term, not sub vs slave).
There is a large element missing in my relationship. It's sexual. And it's a need that I have that isn't being fulfilled. I've felt guilty about having this need, guilty for the sexual desires and fantasies I have. And in getting inside my own head today I realized that I was feeling guilty for all that encompasses. It's really two parts. Yes, it is the awesome fun part of sexy fun and maybe getting off. But, it's also making myself so vulnerable, to give over the control of something so personal and intimate, to put it into HER hands and to TRUST her with it to keep it safe and not violate that trust.
I can accept the guilt over the sexy getting off part. I don't know if that's a typical slave hangup, or just mine, but I feel guilty *wanting* sexual stuff. Like it's not deserved or something. However, that is not the point of this entry.
But I can't feel guilty over the other. Or I feel like I shouldn't.
I think part of it is that with Tracy...I was so open and vulnerable and laid everything out on the table. My sexuality and sex is the last barrier, the last part of me I clutch and cling to and the last I am willing to give up and be laid bare to my partner. And when I did that with Tracy, it was celebrated and embraced. It wasn't shameful or embarrassing or a chore to her. It was welcomed. It came with a price, where I was violated and crushed on many emotional levels. Not even talking about the rape, but about how I gave up the very last part of me to her, and she just emotionally devastated me. I was a big gaping hole, a mess of raw emotions and nerves, confused about trust and sexual submission, and wondering how I could have been so foolish.
I've spent many hours wishing I wasn't wired the way I am. For me, sexual submission and vulnerability is so personal, private, scary, and intimate...it's how I bond the most. It's the last level for me. It isn't about sex or getting off. It's about me being my most vulnerable, and laying it out there and literally giving up every part of me. It's about my partner touching me, soothing my aches and telling me they care (and telling me that it isn't some horrible gross thing to touch me). But really it is to see me so bare and to connect with me on the highest level. When I share that with someone, that bond of trust, I feel the most in touch with myself and my slave heart. It really is a different world for me. I see with slave eyes and feel with the slave heart and just shine with it. I can feel the strength of the bond and draw upon that for my own strength. I can literally FEEL the submission.
Without it...it's much harder. I don't feel as bonded or as connected. And I hate that. I don't think I can really put into words how much that bothers me. I hate that I need it.
It's hard with Mistress. I know she isn't interested and/or comfortable going there with me. We've spoken about it before, and I understand that she is definitely not interested in reciprocation. Which, while a bummer, is actually okay with me and something I can definitely handle. I still need. I feel bad saying that the part that *I* need is someone doing something *to me*, not the other way around. It makes me feel incredibly selfish, and lazy. I mean, the desire to reciprocate is there on my end, but that's not the essential element that feeds me. Yea, I'm a *do me* slave in that regard. But it's about my yielding, not my doing, that resonates within me. Sure, if the yielding was by doing, that would work. But really its me allowing myself to be in such a vulnerable place that does it.
I don't get that with Mistress. I don't get to travel to that point within myself, within my most scared, vulnerable and submissive place. I don't get to be on the edge and LEAP off, trusting Her to keep me safe whether she lets me fly or I fall. It's hard. I feel like I'm not as close as I could be, and that we aren't as connected. I'm very much a "face to face" person. That's what feeds me. The tasks and things I do while away...don't really do much in terms of keeping me feeling connected. I understand the logic to them, and what they are trying to accomplish...but for me it doesn't do much. It's the face to face that feeds me. And the longer it's been since I've seen her, the less I feel my slave heart. And I mean since I've seen her and had a power exchange dynamic happen that was more then just a laid back weekend. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE those, but in terms of feeding the slave it doesn't always do much. Sometimes yes, mostly not. And it's not like I need a LOT of the power exchange to recharge that core part.
I had a dream the other night about this woman L (not Mistress) who has authority over me in one facet of my life. We were sharing a hotel room and she was going to help me pin something on my shirt. Very matter of factly told me to get down (on my knees), and of course I very obediently dropped. She was fixing my shirt, and was focusing on what she was doing and wasn't meeting my eyes. Asked me "you like me, don't ya" and of course I was all flustered and embarrassed and turned on and she just smirked confidently, still focusing her eyes on what she was doing, and said "I knew it". Now, really, this wasn't about L or my relationship with her. To me, it was about the dynamic, the power exchange, the confidence and self assuredness she had. She knew me, knew my reactions and thoughts and knew what to say to make me flustered and turned on. It was power, and she had it and I was helpless against her. THAT IS IT. She could have done anything she wanted then, and I would have been powerless to stop her...I would have been eager to comply. To bend my will to hers. In my dream, I felt it within my core being.
And Mistress has that confidence and self assuredness, she goes into Mistress mode and I just melt. She knows it. I'm sure she can feel it when she grabs me by the collar and forces me down to my knees. (Which also does WONDERS for me and feeling submissive in all the right ways.) It's just after she does that...it ends. For a brief moment I feel my heart leap, my stomach jump and I get lost in a lurid head space, while simultaneously every fiber of me is on fire and yearning.
That's what I need.
The problem lie in getting it. I get the feeling like its a chore to Mistress, a task grudgingly done. Which kills the feelings and actually kinds hurts my feelings. Stings. Not that I blame her for her feelings, not at all. It's just the "i want you to want it, not want it because i want you to want it" type deal.
Wow I've done quite a dump. So now that I've identified some core feelings (and word vomited what I think are the reasons behind it), the question is...what now?
March 17th, 2008
Wow...I have been really remiss in my posting here. I don't know what happened, I guess I just...stopped posting. I think when it went from me having to write once a day, to 3 times a week it lost it's place in the forefront of my mind. I've slipped.
I feel like I've slipped a lot recently. Both here, and in writing for slavettes book. Never enough hours in the day, and I juggle with those tasks, and my thesis and work and cleaning and sleeping and keeping mentally together. Throw in my feelings about being long distance, a dash of uselessness every so often, a great urge to do SOMETHING and make a stand for what I believe in...and I believe you've got one dizzy, tired, confused slave.
Sometimes I feel lost. Just kinda floating out here, no grounding, no direction. I want to talk to Mistress sometimes and request things, tasks to do to help me feel connected. But let's get real, I can't even handle the tasks I have now, there is no way I can handle others. I thought by now I'd be done with school and it would be over and I would have more time to serve. But I don't.
I'm tired of this. Of school taking away my time, and energy. I'm tired of being distant and feeling like a useless slave. Trainings and events mean a lot to me, it's a rare time I get to be with her and serve and just BE in the moment.
I don't even know where I'm going with this, I started off with the intention of just noting my absense. Now I can't think of how to end this post. So I'll just end.
February 5th, 2008
Yay I get to see Mistress in just a few short days! True, it will be at the academy, but I'm really excited. And I'm really excited about the academy too. I need this feed.
January 22nd, 2008
I can't wait to see Mistress this weekend.
I miss Her
January 20th, 2008
So this past weekend was the MTTA reception during the MAL conference. I got to talk to people I don't typically do. Master Todd, for one. I was suprised that he knew who I was, but he was really nice to talk with. And we talked with Master Wes for awhile, that was fun. He's really a nice person. Oh, and I got to meet Wayne! Poor thing, 2nd day there and his first lifestyle thing EVER and it was MAL. Which was intense, well the vendors area was. I mean DAMN.
I get to see Mistress this weekend. I'm really looking forward to that. She's gotten some new canes and when I talked to Her, she promised that my ass would be down there, naked, and getting beat. Yay! It's been so long, I really wonder how much I'll be able to take. Probably not much. But oh well, I'm game to try!!!
January 8th, 2008
My defense is Thursday. OMFG. SCARY.
It's almost done. Almost done. Then I'll be free.
God I'm nervous.
January 3rd, 2008
So Mistress and I talked about George. Well, not about him per se, but about the situation surrounding him. I've thought a lot about it, and I'll admit that a lot of my negative feelings were from not knowing what was going on and making parallels with Alex. But I knew it wasn't the same...well okay I didnt KNOW that, but thats what my issue was. I didn't know anything. I didn't know that there wasn't anything to know.
But now I know, and I'm feeling fine and at peace with everything. I'm actually excited for George, and I'm praying so hard that I didn't mess this up for him. If I did I'm going to be really upset, because my issue had nothing to do with him the person. And I want to help, I really do. I told Mistress so, but I can't tell if she knew I was serious or if She thought I was just blowing smoke. I think Mistress and M can provide a lot of good things for george, esp after JMcG. And I'm interested in meeting him. Shame he is gay and older then I like...I go crazy for guys with accents. :D